I made it on nothing but water till about 5, when my family had dinner. I could have gotten out of it, but I had one of those moments where I said fuck this, I'm going to get better, I'm gonna eat and I'm going to make it through all the bad feelings because I care so much about the people I'm hurting. So I ate ravioli, and thenI had some bread with italian dressing and cucumbers. I even drank effing MILK.



Then I watched this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHX-M4_Kefo



Now I feel like a fat, disgusting worthless pig. I hate this.

Current Mood: infuriated

My hair has been falling out pretty badly, does anyone know how to fix this without eating? I know it's sometimes I protein thing. Does anyone else have this problem?

Here is my goal for the week-

Tuesday- fast
Wednesday- 200
Thursday-350
Friday-fast
Saturday-200
Sunday- 100

Total for the rest of the week- 850

CW-125
HW-131
LW- 115
GW-112

For years of my life, I've had my ed in tides. Just after it flows up and I do really well for a few days, it ebbs back out and logic comes in. What am I doing? This is crazy, everyone needs to eat. And then I suddenly think I'm better because I can hink this way. But then I go to eat and I realize thats all I can do, think that way. And then I feel both guilty that I cant eat and guilty that I ever wanted to. I know I want to be thin, but I hate this sometimes. Because alotof people think girls with ed's just want to lose weight. I wish they knew how wrong they were. It's more than that. A normal days worth of food or an average, thin girl my age seems ridiculous. the very feeling of food in my stomach is associated with weakness and failure. I use weight as a goal, a landmark, something to guide how I feel, but I understand now that it's beyond that. I tell myself I'll be happy if I'm thinnner, and I still hope its true, but I dont know if I could even see it if it happened. Because this is a curse, and any girl that just wants to lose weight doesnt understand that, and I wish they'd steer clear away from this. I sometimes wish I had, but it's written into my brain now and has been for years, I dont know if I could ever be reprogrammed.

Current Location: still in bed
Current Mood: contemplative

It's been a few hours since that last angry post. I sat in a cold bath for my matabolisms sake and did a couple hundred crunches. I still feel awful, but I'm glad I didnt just let it sit like that. I'm more hopeful about tomorrow.

Binged today. Jesus. It was disgusting. Started out good naturedly enough. I was good yesterday, so today I had an 80 calorie popsicle, and that was gong to be it for today. Then I dont know what the hell happened. I just started eating everything I could find, I'm serious. It was disgusting. I'm fasting till thursday I think to make up for it. I cant wait till I move out. That way I'll just make sure theres hardly any food in the house, instead of it being stocked with junk for my overindulgent family. Ugh. See, I was forced to "get better" for the last couple of months, so my stomachs normal sized again. In a few weeks it'll shrink back like before and I wont be able to eat like this. I've been so miserable for the last several months, everyone watching, feeling weighed down and blimpy. But I'm back in control. I'm 5'5'' right now and 125. My first goal is to lose 12.5 lbs (10% of my bodyweight) putting me at 112.5. That would be so glorious.

Night,
Dac.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Handshake Drugs, Wilco